Saturday, February 24, 2007
Over the past two days, I've been doing a series of photo shoots with my two dogs, Peanut and Bailey, and it occured to me that Peanut really is a peculiar little animal. It's only because I've lived with her for 5 years that I'm used to her weirdness. If dogs really are like their masters, I'm in trouble, as Peanut has more eccentricities than an A-List actress.
For starters, Peanut is neurotic. I have mentioned previously in my older blog ("Why I Would Die in A Natural Disaster") her tendency to bark at her own farts, so I'll pass over that. I've also mentioned already that she barks in her sleep and that said sleep-barks sound like laser gun fire. So today I will instead talk about another of her many quirks, her DAAS.
DAAS stands for Domestic Abuse Awareness System. Peanut possesses a very finely tuned one. Though she cuddles with my husband and finds him to be highly suitable for tummy rubbing, she deeply suspects that he is the wife-beating sort. If he lays a hand on me and raises his voice, no matter how big his grin, Peanut swings to immediate barking action. How useful. Imagine the scene: I prance into the kitchen, Peanut on my heels, and say, "I got into that posh exhibition! Whoo hoo!" My husband shouts, "We'll be rich!" and claps me on the back. Peanut goes wild. Her bark indicates that I should forego Social Services and call 911 immediately.
And the problem is now my husband has caught on to her latest neurosis and thinks it's hilarious. He'll begin picking me up and shouting while spinning in a circle to make Peanut bark. "Am I being bad now, Peanut? How about now!" Bark, bark, whine, you're killing her, etc.
Maybe that does count as domestic abuse. Officer, please, my husband was hurting my sanity. See the bruises? Right here in the part of my brain that used to do long division.
Posted by Maggie Stiefvater at 5:15 PM